Reflejaba a mi vida.

Flight School

2009-09-27T22:38:00.000-07:00

Flight school is hard.

Learning how to fly takes time.
It's not a lesson learned in one night.
Not in three, not in four or five,
but in months, sometimes years.

One must learn how to do the job right,
or they will spiral to the ground.

Some will doubt you,
but don't heed their lies.
They tried to learn long ago,
but impatience kept them from soaring.

You have the power of an eagle,
and are as delicate as a butterfly.
Follow the owl, and heed his every word.

Flight school is hard.
Learning how to fly takes time.
It's not a lesson learned in one night.
Not in three, not in four or five,
but in months, sometimes years.

Today is not your day,
and tomorrow does not look bright, either.
Your day is closer than it seems.
When it comes, seize the opportunity,
and soar.

I'm Not Going to be a Christian Anymore

2009-09-17T13:11:00.000-07:00

I have proclaimed myself to be a Christian, but I need to be honest. I have this fear that some of you may compare my actions and words to those of my savior, Jesus Christ. It is rare for my actions to reflect him, and I need to apologize to you for portraying falsities.

Yes, I attend church. I am a leader in my youth group, and attend a Bible club on my campus. I went to a college with chapel requirements my freshman year. I worked at a Christian camp, and served on mission trips. I don’t swear, or look at porn. I have no experience with the taste of alcohol or euphoria that comes with smoking pot. I’m pro-life, and disagree with the theory of evolution. I also need to tell you that none of these things make me Christian.

Some people see Christianity as being a bunch of boring rules you have to follow. I fear it is people like me who tell this lie to the masses. In high school, if you looked at my schedule you would think I was a boring Bible thumper who never participated in anything that involved the f word. Why would someone who spends three days a week participating in church functions have any idea what the f word actually is? I have had more fun participating in these actions because they all involve the f word: fun. You might understand where I'm coming from. You might not. I can’t tell you what to feel because I’m not you, but I wish you could. I never will be you. I’m not writing this to tell you what I have and haven’t done so you can see me as a great person. I’m telling you so you can see my faults. I am one of the worst sinners you will ever meet in your life.

Here is the truth: Christianity is having a relationship with the creator of the universe. It’s having someone to run to when you’ve had the worst day of your life. It’s having someone to share joy with. It’s having someone tell you things are going to be okay, even when they feel like they won’t. It is the epitome of a best friend. You don’t have to worry about him telling your secrets or sleeping with your best friend. Would you like to know one of the best parts of this relationship? It’s a relationship based on love- the love a father willing to die for you kind of love. Keeping this relationship growing on a daily basis is what makes you a Christian. It's a far cry from a list of rules. It's not magic either. Trust me on this one-becoming a Christian doesn't make your troubles disappear. It does make them easier to conquer, however.

Here is an ugly truth: I’ve been neglecting this relationship like you wouldn’t believe. It’s the neglect of this relationship that causes me to be a bad witness. I’m false representation, believe it or not. I’ve been living a life that isn’t even close to proper representation of Christ is, but I’ve still put on the Christian t-shirt. It is with this reason that I am apologizing to you. I’ve lied to all of you in the worst way possible, and the only thing I know to do is ask forgiveness, so that’s what I’m doing.

I know I've made a few statements that sound similar to, “I’ve been bad, but I’m not going to act like that again. I’m a good Christian now.” Here’s the deal. I’m not going to be a Christian anymore. I’m going to be a growing Christian, and this time I’m going to be honest. Feel free to keep me in check if you wish.

With love,
Katy

Hey There!

2009-09-10T09:28:00.000-07:00

Wow...I'd guess it's been a while since I've blogged. Oops. Okay so here be the rundown on what has happened in the past few months. Here's a pretty good list of important experiences for your viewing pleasure.

1. I worked at a summer camp. It most definitely was one of the best experience of my 18 years. I had some awesome campers I have some new brothers and sisters! God taught me so much in those eight weeks. Some of these lessons were lessons I have learned in the past and forgotten, or become apathetic towards. Others were new, and opened my eyes to the amazingness that is my Daddy, and how I love him so.

My camp family

2. I left my comfort that was H-town to find search for new horizons...?? Eh. I'm not sure how my thoughts toward it can be expressed properly. Here is what I do know: as much as I loved it there, I have this feeling that God has so much more for me and I want to find what ever it is. I haven't been doing a good job of searching for it though. This is something I am working on. I need to make him my rock, my all. I moved back home to attend a community college, and it feels like I made the wrong decision. I know I'm here for a reason. I may never get the answer to that question here on Earth, and I need to come to terms with that statement.

3. I'm looking into participating in a discipleship training school called Youth With a Mission (YWAM). I'm constantly consumed with the thought that I am here on this Earth to make an impact. I want to change this world; to change people's lives. I want to do this in any means possible. Perhaps a college education is not a part of God's plan for me right now. I'm not saying that I should not become educated, and that an education is meaningless. I just feel like each time I try it, I have a terrible time. Maybe leaving is what I'm supposed to do, or maybe in staying and toughing it out, I'll continue to learn lessons. Please pray that I will find guidance.

4. My youth group is starting up again, and I'm a legit leader this year. (I was one last year, but I was never there, so it didn't really count). I'm not going to lie. I'm nervous. There are a lot of major transitions going on at my church, and I'm not sure how many of these kids are responding to it. Our new curriculum has us going over the salvation message each month, and I'm really excited. Please pray that God works in marvelous ways through these kids.

5. I realized my blog name contains a grammatical error. I'm not sure how it took a year for me to figure it out. I'm sure all the legit spaniards on this website are laughing at me, and my fail Spanish. OH WELL. Some times I try and succeed, and other times I try and fail.

Soooooo....this is all the hub-bub from my life. I'm going to attempt at making this a photo bloggythingy like I said I would, so here be a picture! Feel free to critique or what not if you wish. I'm a fan of these shots, and I hope you are too!

Happiness is...
a phone conversation with people you love who no longer live with you. <3

Packing.

2009-06-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

Actually, it's more like not packing. For I am leaving at 4:30PM for camp tomorrow, and I have 0% packing or cleaning accomplished. It's 10:25 right now, folks. I guess I win at failing (whatever THAT means). I have to fit in doing 830298409238loads of laundry, folding said loads of laundry, cleaning my room so I can pack the blasted stuff, unpack college stuff to find stuff I need for 9 weeks of camp, pack everything on my list, sleep, shower, attend church/potluck, and fulfill a secret task. I'll rawk it, I guess (I don't think I really have a choice). With that said, I'll have to skip facebooking until I leave. Darn. Oh well. My grades last semester (certain ones, I should say) stated that I work better under pressure. This is complete rambling. And for that, I am sorry. Good night, all!

P.S.: I came in second place at Nertz tonight. :D :D :D

FAIL.

2009-06-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

Wow, I suppose a good deal of time has passed since I've posted. A lot has happened in the past few months. I finished my freshman year of college, decided to change schools, experienced heartbreak several times- just to list a few. I'm not going to lie. I'm not a fan of this part of my life. I'm certainly hoping that this is temporary and part of the whole "refiner's fire" deal. Wait. That's a terrible attitude to have. All I have to say is the anger bug has bit hard, and I'm trying to rid my body of it's poison and I'm failing miserably. In other news, I leave for camp on Sunday and I cannot wait. Hopefully after my laptop arrives I'll be steadier in posting. I know it's not like anyone reads this, but the point was for ME to track my life and anyone else who cares to read along. Since it's clear few are interested in reading I guess it does not matter that I'm not regular in posting. However the point was to record so I can reflect later on, so track I shall (wow. that makes me sound rather narcissistic. I certainly hope that's false). Alrighty, folks. Goodnight. :)

Death cannot conquer love.

2009-04-06T22:13:00.000-07:00

^{Isaiah 40:21-31}

²¹ Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded?

²² He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spreads them out like a tent to live in.

²³ He brings princes to naught
and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.

²⁴ No sooner are they planted,
no sooner are they sown,
no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.

²⁵ "To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.

²⁶ Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

²⁷ Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

²⁸ Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

I'm in love with the Freshman class Bible study we've got going on Monday nights. We worship together, pray together, and digest the word of our Lord together. We've spent the year focusing on Isaiah, and tonight we focused on Isaiah 40 and a small passage from Mark. It was this passage in chapter 40 of Isaiah that really struck me. This past semester, I've been struggling with several things, including depression.

Last night during Koin, we watched a video of a skit set to the song, "Everything" by Lifehouse. I've seen this skit preformed in multiple venues: at my church, a youth conference, and the specific video, and I helped several youth prepare to present this skit at a youth worship service. I may have seen this skit preformed up to 20 times. Every time, it gives me chills and reduces me to tears. It forces me to realize that I am the girl. I have chosen the world over my Jesus, who died to save me from my sins. This sickens me greatly.

My daddy was accused of a crime he did not commit, spat upon, cursed at, beaten, publicly humiliated, forced to carry a cross several times his size up a hill, whipped, nailed to a cross, had a crown of thorns shoved into his head, and died the death of a murderer. He did all of this for me. Yet I'll choose a good time or approval from my peers over him.

Right now, my schoolwork is literally kicking my butt. I'm tired. I'm whiny. I'm hurt. I don't want to keep going. I'm angry. And most of all I'm not going to give into Satan.

Tonight I was reminded that I am not greater than God. I did not create this world. I did not create the universe. I did not witness said creation. I know few things, but I know this. My Lord is the everlasting God. He does not grow weary, and I cannot understand him. I am weak, but in him, I have strength. It is inevitable that I will grow tired and weary (as I have), but I've got strength in the LORD. He will renew my strength, and I will soar on wings like eagles. I will one day run and not grow weary. His love never fails. He will love me, even when I cannot love myself. I am underserving of his love and I should not try to earn it, for it is a gift that was given years ago.

Rambling

2009-04-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! April is insane! I think professors are conspirators and want to torture their students. Seriously a 10 page paper?!?!? EEK! I know this is piddly squat compared to other assignments, but this is supposed to be a 100 level course, and you're making it difficult, Professor Paige! skajfskafjsakf. I shouldn't complain. I'm a student with a "light load". Granted, I can't take more than 13 credits or I fail miserably. But I don't have 18 credits and I'm not in the pit for a musical that opened this weekend so I shouldn't be all eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! but I am. Oh well.

I find it humorous that the weekend after I consider transferring I have more fun than I've had in a while. Last night, I had dinner with some good friends. I went to tutoring, they went to practice, and I figured that I was just going to chill in my room then go to bed like usual. I ended up being bombarded by S & S. We then went to borrow Rent from R's roomie, but she was gone. Fortunately we ran into one of S's trombone buddies and she went and stole it from someone. We watched it in the little corner where we chill in the CC, and were soon bombarded by the plethora of junior high and high school students who invaded our campus Friday night. I had a really weird reaction to the amazingness I purchased from Java and in reenacting the time I accidentally ordered a double shot scared them away. Which made us laugh even harder. :D This was followed by a spy mission and a boisterous game of dutch blitz. P.S: the evening prior we had an impromptu dance party in the cc while homeworking to the sounds of vbs songs, the pirates soundtrack, and FF5.

Today we went to see Into the Woods. Whoever wrote that musical is a genius. It's freaking hilarious. We also went and plastered R's door in celebration of her liberation from the musical while she was at her last performance. I would have liked to see what the second cast had to offer, but I was not going to dish out another $10.

I'm enjoying reading people's VEDA blogs. I wish I had the ability to do that, but I don't have a life interesting enough to not put people to sleep. I really like HayleygHoover's blog, and her disposition for life. Her writing style is fantastic in my opinion, and I wish I had that kind of skills. Alas, I only have the ability to ramble about the things going on in my life.

I cannot wait for this month to be done with. I'm so sick of school, and I really hope I get hired at Circle C. We shall see what happens. I don't have any progress on the whole looking at other schools business, other than the fact that Htown's TESOL program is rather unique. Many schools leave it at English Education with a concentration in TESOL. Htown connects the English education aspect with intercultural studies allowing one to use the major in many venues. We'll see what happens, but can you pray for me?

Lets hit rewind and start again.

2009-04-01T20:48:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately, and I have come upon one thought more often than others. I keep wondering if Htown is where I really belong. I feel like this year has been a waste. Are there other people who completed their freshman year of college and felt like they had yet to accomplish something? I know that I have learned many life lessons, and have learned a few academic lessons as well, but I do not feel as if I have grown as a person. I do not feel much different that I had when I graduated from high school. Granted, it is shy of being a complete calendar year, but I changed more as a person in my freshman year of high school than I did this year. I don't know what to do, but I am looking at places to transfer to. I'm not sure if this is what I should be doing, but I figure it is better than nothing. I look at my friends who know that they are where they are and what they are should be doing. I want that assurance in my life, and I'm not sure if I can find it here. Today marks a month of meetings with several persons in academic services and tests. In addition to discovering decoding and pheonetic problems, (andI'm sure more are to be discovered when the results of this next bout of testing) are emotional problems. sigh... God's in control. I know that. But a little sign would be so helpful.

No me gusta mi vida este minuto...

2009-03-29T12:54:00.000-07:00

So I'm getting into that end of semester crazieness.
And its driving me crazy.
It's been pretty outside and I can't go play outside because I have to do homework.
Last night there was the banquet for my hall. It was a lot of fun.
My western civilization professor's father died this weekend, so if you could keep him in your prayers that would be loverly.

The Rescue

2009-03-27T11:11:00.001-07:00

I urge you to visit this website. Watch the video. Inform yourself about Child Soldiers in Uganda. Then find ways in which you can become involved.

Sickee.

2009-03-25T19:38:00.000-07:00

I've been dubbed a sickee by S today. Apparently someone learned not only ways to share Christ's love this past weekend at the missions conference, but they also learned how to share germs. Today was a day spent sleeping, watching television shows through the interweb, more sleeping, a visit from friends to make sure I wasn't dead ( :D <3), and attempting to entertain myself. It is not usually difficult to entertain myself, but today it was a little challenging. For some reason I decided to put on the dress I am wearing for the hall banquet on Saturday and take pictures. I couldn't focus on anything, so I guess I found this to be a constructive use of time? I have no clue... XD I also was looking at cameras again. I have been looking at Canon DSLRS and I'm thinking about purchasing a Cannon Digital Rebel XS. I've been encouraged by several individuals to pursue the photo minor, so I'm going for it. My film SLR is a nikon, and I'm not sure if there is a huge difference in the quality of nikon and canon. My SLR was bought used and it worked fine until a few days ago when the film stopped advancing. I'm sure that this is an easily solved problem, but this makes me uneasy about purchasing this camera used. I know a lot of people take excellent care of their cameras and purchase an improved model of that camera and sell the old one, but I don't want to spend a large portion of my savings on a camera that doesn't work, or one that only works for a short time period. I know several individuals who are avid photographers and I plan on seeking their advice before I spend any of my money.

Practice makes sorta perfect.

2009-03-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

So I've decided that I'm going to do it. I don't care if minoring in art with a photo concentration is impractical. I like photographaphing. So I'm going to do it. I'm not the greatest, but the professors are going to teach me how to increase my skills, or lack of skills. I'm going to try to take one picture a day for the next year. They say practice makes perfect right? I figure that some good can come from it. If anyone actually reads this, feel free to give some constructive criticism. :)

So here is picture number one. Its from a classroom in the Chamberlain center. I win at studying. :) I have found out about an abroad program that would allow me to spend a semester in China. How amazing is that?!? I don't know when I will go if I go but I want to so so soooo bad. It will cost approximately$13,000 to go, and none of my Financial Aid from H-town will go with me. It is true that a semester here is $30,000 and probably a thousand more next semester so it would ironically be cheaper but I'm sure that there are more costs to it. But I would get a little taste of what I want to do, and for some reason I've been thinking about Asia, so I'm not sure if this is a God thing or not. We'll see what will happen. Because I am behind in my audit sheet, I don't know if I will have time to go abroad. Which is something I DO NOT want to happen. I might just be limited to going to Honduras for a mayterm which would be okay. But a whole semester?!?!? I want to do that sooooooooooooo much more. I know I'll end up going where God wants me. Please pray that I'll end this semster strong and raise my GPA so I can be accepted into the education program and partcipate in an abroad program.

Oh, how I loathe thee, classes.

2009-03-24T08:47:00.001-07:00

I'm meeting with my academic advisor to choose classes for next semester. I'm heavily considering minoring in art, with a concentration in photography. That way I won't have to wait until the spring semester of my senior year to take into to photography as my art credit. However I already have a double major of English education and Intercultural Studies, and I wonder if I will be allowed to do this because I have to have a light load.

I'm rather frustrated about what I should be doing. I unconsciously get a smile on my face whenever I talk about TESOL, but I don't feel passionate about it. I don't feel passionate about anything right now, in all actuality. I don't want to spend my life in a field in which I am dispassionate. This is my dilemma. How do I take preparatory classes for my future when I don't have any idea what it is. At some point in your sophomore year you have to declare your major. This is so obnoxious!

En el Luz de Dios

2009-03-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

Today, Sunday, March 22, concluded the annual missions conference at my home church. After a flag processional, we started off worship with the song, "Walking in the Light of God".

We are walking in the light of God,

We are walking in the light of God.

We are walking,

We are walking, (ooh)

We are walking in the light of God.

(Spanish)

Caminando en el luz de Dios,

Caminando en el luz de Dios.

Caminando,

Caminando (ooh),

Caminando en el luz de Dios.

(Swahili)

Siyahumba kukenyeni kwenkos,

Siyahumba kukenyeni kwenkos.Siyahumba,

Siyahumba (ooh),

Siyahumba kukenyeni kwenkos

While we were singing it, we were clapping along, and even some of us were dancing. It was great to be worshiping with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I couldn't help myself to think of my brothers and sisters I was learning about overseas in my Introduction to Global Issues Class. It is with many praises to God that we are able to worship without any persecution. Sure, we may become the butt of several jokes, have rumors spread about ourselves, and lose friends, but these things do not even compare to the persecution of our siblings overseas. I lack the ability of eloquence with words, which will cause my thoughts to be awkwardly displayed across the internet, but I will attempt to speak them anyways. I want to challenge you to take advantage of the gift that you and I possess of Freedom of Speech.

One of the speakers of the weekend spoke about Sat-7, a magnificent ministry developed through the use of three separate satellite television stations in the Middle East. These governments use scare tactics to prevent their citizens from converting to a religion other than Islam. The speaker talked of Christian girls who left their home for a shopping trip who were kidnapped and were not to be released until they converted to Islam. In knowing the persecution they will face, persons from the Middle East put together and run the three stations. He mentioned that one of their stations fell prey to arson. According to the government, it was an "electrical fire", but the station personnel knew otherwise. This false title to the fire was a blessing in disguise: insurance does not cover arson, but it does cover electrical fires. Sure, people will put up a fight to God's work. Especially in places where they are afraid of it. If God has work to be done, it will be done, no matter the amount of resistance put up against the words you are speaking.

There is no doubt to the fact that proclaiming our faith is a daunting task. Posting this may be a tad hypocritical, for people I went to school with knew I was a Christian, but probably just because I didn't swear and wore Christian t-shirts. So let's start on a clean slate. God knows that not all of us have the gift of witnessing with eloquent words. He will show us how to do what he needs us to do. We just need to have open hearts, eyes to see his hurting children, and ears to hear the directions our Daddy wants us to follow. God has granted us multiple gifts, but what good are they if we put them on a shelf to collect dust? We all have a voice. Let's use it!

Some Stuff I've Been Learning

2009-03-21T22:08:00.000-07:00

Wow. I look back to what has happened in the past month and I'm kind of surprised.A lot has happened since February 14, 2009. And it is difficult in some ways to comprehend. This may sound a little dramatic, but a several events have occurred.

The most significant event was the annual winter advance that I attended with my church at Circle C Ranch on February 20th. This weekend was far different than the Snow Camps I attended in years prior, however, it may have been the one where I experienced the most growth. I surprisingly was out of my comfort zone, even though it was my third year in attending the camp. This was the first year in which my attendance was a leader rather than a student. My only experience was a co-counselor over the summer for a weekish for the district kids' camp. So I was kind of terrified. I knew I was struggling with a list of things and feared that I would focus on "fixing my problems" instead of helping the super fantastic terrific chicas that I was rooming with for the weekend. This fear was squashed during the first session. I was viewing the chapel sessions with a perspective quite different from one I'd ever experienced before.

I learned so much that weekend, even if it didn't feel like I was. I was able to connect with the amazing girls in my room in a way contrary to the ideas drafted in my head prior to the weekend. I feel that the most significant lesson that I relearned this weekend was the impact of God's love, his mercy, and his grace. I doubt that I would give up my life to save a person who treats me the way that I have treated him. My life is controlled by choices I have made. My choices. If I make a poor life choice, that is by my own decision. When things turn out poorly due to poor choices it is my own fault. Often, I get angry at God for the way things turned out from my pathetic actions. There have been days where I treated him like dirt. Yet he hung on that cross for me. This blows my mind. I'll probably never understand this kind of love, but that is okay. It's not for me to understand. I'm just to accept the gift and take care of it in the best way possible in honoring him in my life. I still fail at that a lot, but he catches me when I fall. He gives me a hug, and tells me to keep going. The extravagance of this love baffles me. He made the the stars in the sky, the earth that we live in, the people who live in it, paints a masterpiece every morning and night, and yet he still has room for me. :D

For multiple reasons, my spring semester has been a struggle more than the fall semester. I had a terrible time getting up in the mornings, because I did not want to wake up and be surrounded by people who understood what was going on when I did not. My bed did not quiz me on romanticism, it did not care what a velar fricative was, it did not ask me to speak in Spanish, it did not ask me to work on improving my tone quality, and I was not required to listen to other people come up with ways to deal with global issues when I could not come up with ways to deal with my own issues. (Run on sentence FTW!) However, I soon was forced to face reality: one cannot pass a course while sleeping in their warm comfy bed. If my problem was not wanting to face my stupidity, then I had to suck it up. Katy, you came to Houghton to learn. Not everyone has the opportunity to go to the school. If you don't finish your schooling, how are you going to fight to give them an opportunity to learn? You cannot honor Jesus and be comfortable. Suck it up.

God's faithfulness has been evident in many ways this semester. While there were struggles at home, I still have a home. Everyone's still alive. Even if my mom cannot see out of one eye, she is still alive. God paid the health insurance bill this month so if would be available when it was necessary. So what if today is a little cloudy? Just because the clouds are in front of the sun, it does not mean it had disappeared. I learned today that you cannot have a colorful sunset without clouds, because the light does not have anything to bounce off of, creating the dramatic masterpieces I love so dearly. A cloudy evening is worth a gorgeous sunset. If the night seems long, my friend, remember that the morning will come. ♥

A Proclimation?

2009-03-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

Let it be known! I, Katy J am now a blogger. Yippeee? ehhh.

I doubt that anyone will read this, but that is okay. I'm a college freshman. You hear that college is where one has the time of their life. If this is so, I'm headed for a dreadful life. If this proves to be true, I still want to document it. I may not have a time full of laughs, fun, or best friends, but I will have changed. By the end of my four years at H-town, I hope to have become a stronger Christian. I desperately want to know God's will for my life, and it is going to take some time to figure that out. In blogging, I will have written documentation of my experiences and thoughts. I will be able to reflect upon the words I've displayed for the world to see and find how I have changed. I'm a butterfly still in its chrysalis, anticipating the day in which I am able to break free and fly. My day is coming. My thoughts are never profound, I'm just trying to figure out who I am, and what I'm supposed to be.